“Sometimes we’ve found that when subjects get particularly stressed, their mind tends to blank previous orders and so they have to be re-enforced on occasion,” he explained patiently. “We wouldn’t want you to forget again, so please repeat my last instruction back to me so that it stays fresh in your mind.”“My hands are to be kept behind my back,” Ruth heard herself say as if through a fog. It was her normal voice, but somehow it felt distant and detached.“Good,” he nodded. “From now on you will repeat all open-ended instructions given to you several times in your head and make an effort to remember them without prompting.”The playback in Ruth’s head was almost instantaneous: Repeat and remember all instructions. Repeat and remember all instructions. The voice intruded on Ruth’s own thoughts, making her complicit in her own conditioning.Fuck. How do I stop this?The intruder lifted his phone and took another picture, the small click echoing loud in her head as her face flushed. ’ ‘I know,’ Gail said. ‘I remember what you said about the church’s requirements of conjugal love and the sacrament of matrimony. I may not understand them as you do, but I know what they mean.’ ‘Alright, if it is what you want, please take a shower and then I will. I want our first time together to be very special. I’m not going to rush, I’ve waited too long.’ After his shower Howard got into bed and moved as close to Gail as he could get, whispering in her ear, ‘Gail Fisher, I love you. I love you and want to live with you for the rest of my life.’ He slid one arm under her and neatly turned her over to face him, kissed her and became very still, just holding her. ‘Howard, I said marriage vows once, but I didn’t really understand them then. I do understand them now. I could say every one of them by heart, because they would mean something to me now. For the rest of our lives, I’m going to think about them every time I say I love you.’ For a few moments they were both quiet, enjoying.
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