Whoa, what? I shook off the stirrings of jealousy with chagrin. Had I really flipped a complete 180 in my view of Ethan Doyle in less than four hours? The idea left me feeling uncertain and off-kilter. And Anya thought this would be good for me?While I was waiting I scratched out some notes on the pre-meet atmosphere and the weather, stubbing out a couple of paragraphs for my article. Ethan's first event was the 100 meter sprint. Athletes began to appear from the rec building and clumped in groups of like colors as they warmed and stretched their muscles. They looked like herds of antelope distinguished by their markings.I saw Ethan in the crowd and when I caught his eye from my spot in the stands I nodded and flicked him a thumbs-up. His answering grin resurrected my own. A sense of anticipation built inside my chest as I saw him line up along the painted lines with several other runners. Each racer crouched, waiting for the gun. I focused on Ethan's form while keeping some awareness. It was like if I made the slightest misstep, I would cut my feet to ribbons... and I would fall... and then I would die. That was how I saw my life.How do I explain the fog that filled my mind for so long? I couldn't think. I couldn't reason. When Mark talked to me, all I heard were incomprehensible sounds that were lost in the screeching noises already filling me. I wanted to hear him but I could not.It's so very hard to remember the things I did. I try; I need to comprehend them so I can get better but there's nothing to hold on to. Everything that went on in those days... in the months; they feel like they happened to someone else... except I was there... watching me do them. Doctor Jamison nods when I say these things. She says she understands what I talk about, but she can't really. No one can. Sometimes, it's like I will explode and all the pieces of me will fly apart to lay scattered on the ground. I don't know where all this will end. I think I will end some day and then.
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