. I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he’s only got one arm bless him.I shouted - “Where you off to Charlie?”He said, “I’m off to change a light bulb.”“That’s gonna be a bit awkward init?”“Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.”Went out last night and got really wasted.I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring.So, at least I got home OK.Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.“Nationality?” asks the immigration officer.“German,” she replies.“Occupation?”“No, just here for a few days.”As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer’s funeral, a voice from insidescreams: “I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out!”The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters, “Too late, mate, the paperwork’s already done.”I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.Or “foreplay” as she likes to call it.After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the. "Drive me home," she ordered, unable or not wanting to pronounce his name, "Immediately!"At home she would find a sane refuge from the turmoil that raged inside her, from the fear and a sickening kind of loneliness building up insidiously in her being. Silently, Tom drove out of the dark lane which led to the beach where they had parked, back to the large house where Linda's parents had left the terrace lights on to welcome their daughter home. Usually Tom would be invited in for a late supper before he left, but tonight his world was shattered as Linda hurried out of the car, not even turning her head when he called out his farewell."Good night, Linda - I'm sorry."When Linda got out of Tom's car, she slowly mounted the steps to the terrace. The night air felt chilly, and she pulled her sweater tighter around her shoulders. Tears swelled unrestrained in her eyes, her tormented body felt empty and numb, her legs slightly trembling. As she heard Tom's car drive away, she almost turned.
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