I was fighting myself, I could have walked away and he would still be alive. I killed him in cold blood and it was intentional. I hated doing it. But if I had walked away, then Megan would be married to that evil kid and suffer all sorts of abuse. Then there was Kassandra and Chandra, what would I be to them if I did that?Once on this path I needed to trust that it was the right one, everything about it just felt correct. Mother Browynn might be mad at me, but I did what I felt was right.Hell.Could I look myself in the mirror if I had walked away? No. I had to do what I did. Goddess, it sucks though. I didn't notice that I walked all the way around the courtyard and was standing at the temple entrance. I had put off my meeting with Mother Browynn for too long, so I went inside to find her.She was facing me while talking to one of the Sisters. I knelt and tried to center myself until she was ready for me. Unfortunately she was ready before I found it, so I rose anyway and walked to. ‘Ok Mom, good night,’ I said as I hung up the phone. Entry continued next morning: I went to bed last night on that lumpy mattress with the comforting thought that classes hadn’t even started yet, but I had already learned something important outside of where the union building was. All though high school, everyone made a huge deal about how alien and impersonal college would be, especially at a large state university like mine. Graduation was a solemn affair, comparable to a funeral, but without the free food. In contrast, the parties afterward were huge orgiastic affairs so full of life and mirth, but bittersweet as if all of us knew deep down that we would never see each other again. Now that I’m in college, I realize how silly it all was, the anticipation and anxiety of making the grade and working so hard disappeared, for now at least. High school is not the end of all things. It is possible to write and call my friends and see them during breaks. Then again, I was never really.
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